OKAY this is the strangest thing ever. I wrote a reeeallly long blog last night and for some reason it wouldn't upload, so I copy-pasted it to post next time (meaning now). Then, strangely, Xanga format went back to what it used to be. Basically, you can't cross out the words anymore. Too bad. It looked WAY dramatic.

So just excuse the part where I was raving about Xanga. I take it back. And, warning. I kind of went crazy with all the italics and bolds and cross-outs. HAHAHA.

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5/6/06

So I had the scariest thought last week. And here it is.

Summer is half-over already.

!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to depress you guys, but it's really true. I'm not lying. The calendar is not lying. Therefore, we are all screwed.

Omigod, xanga's new format is so cool. It's like... easier. And like 10X funner to use. FUNNER. That's such an ugly-sounding word, but a word with such great meaning. It shall be my word of the day. Bwahaha! I feel very sabaw, in a nice way. "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me... So I die happy... "Okay, labo, and scratch that (whee I just did! hahahaa!!) but I'm strangely happy to be writing. It comes rarely for me, when I'm inspired enough to really want, want, want to write. And I'm having fun playing with the effects. :)

Okay. I'm straying off the topic.

REWIND.

Summer is half-over. But I don't feel depressed about it. In fact, I feel even more determined to enjoy my SUMMER. I want to feel like I've accomplished something by the time June comes. Accomplished in a semi-concrete way. I wish to have something solid, something tangible, something to be proud of to remember this summer by. I want something I can equate with Summer '06. Is that too demanding a thought? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see.

Time flies by so fast. The thing is, I've been so moderately busy this summer to even feel it. I like feeling busy, but busy is not exactly the word that you should equate = to summer. Right? Summer is a time for letting loose. Bumming around. Hanging back. Relaxing. Inner peace. God, what'd I do for inner peace. And real confidence, while we're on the topic.

Funny how I just defined my ideal summer. Cause on Monday, my college reviewals begin. STUDYING begins. Studying equates stress, and stress equals not-very-happy-Marge. But this should be fun. Ahead classes with three of my<3 LHTS = Dyan, Viv, and Janyn. What more could a girl want?  Wait. Not a very good rhetorical question. A few answers come to mind, actually. Like, oh, let me see. World peace. Haha, kidding. I'm really not that nice a person. To be honest, I probably don't care enough about things that I should probably care about. But enough about me being utterly flawed. I've come to terms with myself and being flawed. I even like that word, kind of. Right now, All I want is love. For everybody in the world. And I don't just mean the gushing, romantic, stars-in-my-eyes kind. "When you judge somebody, there's no time to love them." I read that quote somewhere. I thought it was nice, and personally, I wish I could translate words into actions. Then we'd all be a little happier :) Here's to happiness, and little things.

Okay, I've gone off track again. I crack myself up. NOT. Next Monday, I start waking up early. And I hate waking up early. That is such an anti-summer thing to do. But in the mean time, I want to make a mental written checklist about all the stuff I hope this summer contains. Let's just call this a mid-summer crisis. Or mid-summer analysis, more like. Okay, this is stupid.  I'll just say, goals and leave it at that. That's pretty much self-explanatory all on it's own.

^Bonding with my best friends.^ It's strange how I started out summer wanting one thing, and woke up in the middle, wanting something else entirely. College is just around the corner. I want to savor my last year in high school, and this I shall do by creating memories. Memories with my favorite people doing my favorite things. Memories last forever, right? It's the most I could ask for, I guess.

^Get my room re-done.^  Here's a strange contradiction. I'm a messy person who likes order. So I'm planning to completely organize my room, give it a whole overhaul in terms of quantity and um, zoning. I'm sketching (not very well)  some shelves that I want to have made. And measuring for the size of the woven basket-like containers that I'm going to use for storage everywhere. I'm restructuring my life through my room. Lol.

^Time with myself.^ This summer, I'd like to know myself a little better. Love myself a little more. In the "Shed-my-skin, & let-the-light-come-in" kind of way. I think I'm a little too self-conscious all the time. And I think I'd be more comfortable with life in general if I wasn't. My hopes are high, and I like to think a little bit could go a little more if I tried, (with reference to Saving Jane).

Basically, that's All I want. Asides from the little things like getting my new-old computer updated and wanting to write more and read more and more MUSIC and more TV shows slash movies. Basically, just to do all my favorite things to do, not just once in a while but exaggerated and amplified ten times over into Always. Because I never could do as much in a regular school year.  And now the euphoria of writing has faded, I remain a happily undecided teenage mess. Here's to writing about nothing and everything. :)

some random thoughts to tide me over before i sleep:

i wish i could do something completely wild for once and not think (too much) about the consequences.

i wish i could believe what i preach.

i wish i weren't dependent on other people to be happy sometimes.

i wish i were freer, somehow.

i wish i was the type of person who could look life right in the eye and love it all the time. and i wish i were the type of person who always felt effortlessly confident.

i wish i wasn't bored.

i wish summer would be more exciting that what it feels.

on a different note, i came back from hong kong last night. it was fun, it felt like a breeze, ang bilis. i was with my whole fam plus guama but we always split up when we went out. now i realize i didn't really bond with my family. esp since my dad was busy with business and didn't go along with us unless it was dinner. oh yeah, we ate a lot. that's bad. very bad. my family enjoys eating. it's like... artless.

we went to disneyland. i had a blast. candycoated paradise. lol, it really was. everything was painted bright and happy and it felt like a different world. even the train had mickey mouse shaped windows and mickey mouse shaped handles. i still cant get over that. LOL. i don't even like mickey mouse. but that's beside the point.

i didn't shop as much as i expected. i wanted to buy little things, and i couldn't find much little things to buy. i'm a sucker for gift shop types, with cute little gizmos and abubots. i can spend hours looking over cute things, like ballpens shaped differently or notebooks with different covers and stuff like that. i want to maybe open a gift shop when i grow up, and i'll personally select everything that sells in it. oooh. lotsa fun for me. so anyway, i only bought three black and white notebooks. it looked really cool. i love notebooks, and the feeling of writing in a fresh, brand new one. i bought a lot of new books too, which is funny cause i haven't been interested in reading for a while. well, now i am. i just finished reading this uber cool book called twilight. it's not the usual type of book i read, but what can i say, it blew me away. i also bought new shoes. i was choosing between three designs, but i finally went with the adidas sneakers with pale blue ribboned laces. not that i wear sneakers much lately. but i needed a new pair anyway, and it was reasonably priced, by hk standards and how much adidas usually sells in philippines.

i also had a blast sleeping in. i love hotel beds. the comforters are always nice and cool and fluffy and like a giant pillow in themselves. it was so much fun to sleep.

i also like hong kong as a place. it's like a city that never sleeps, with all its bright lights and buildings and busy jaywalking types of people. and i love people-watching when i'm in a different country. its really interesting to be a tourist amongst a totally different culture. my brothers and i have a word. HKF. when we go shopping and check out clothes, we always end up saying, thats too HKF to wear in real life (philippines). i only bought one top in hong kong, and even then, it was bordering on HKF. that means hong kong fashion. cantonese street fashion is kinda amusing to see. bright-colored, printed, cartoonish or edgy, & basically, standouts. even their choppy hairstyles and dyed colors and funky eyewear. when you pass by streets on manila, what everyone's wearing is so muted and non eye-catching compared to them. and its so much fun going around the city using their efficient train. its so convenient.

cantonese women are really mataray though. especially old ones. i still can't get over the outrageously masungit woman my older brother bought a camera case from. one dollah one dollah! you give me one dollah!! it's a long story, lol. i know its bad, but their english accents are sometimes funny. :D tee-hee. what else, what else... it all flew by so fast.

we walked around a lot and got mistakened for cantonese a lot. especially since i got my hair curled. and there are lots of hk people with curly hair. there was this one time this guy even approached me. i think he was trying to scam me or something since i was all alone that time. it's a good thing i don't understand cantonese since he gave up trying to talk to me. i was kinda freaked out after. god knows im gullible and too nice to strangers. it's a habit.

okay, that's maybe the significant gist of my short vacation. all i know is now i want to go to thailand. somehow, the fact that lots of the good stuff sold in bazaars and stores (like people are people T shirts and funky bags and earrings) are from thailand really appeals to me. i can totally imagine shopping for great finds the whole day. lalala. christmas break, anyone? i love travelling. :)